Scheduling vs. Attachment Parenting

Okay, okay, I know that this is a highly controversial subject that people have very strong, emotional opinions about, and I probably shouldn't stir the pot. But because this is my blog, I can talk about whatever I want, so here it goes. (Disclaimer: I do not consider myself an expert in childrearing AT ALL as I have only gotten two out of infancy so far. These are my opinions only, and I do not think that other people who do things differently are WRONG because of their beliefs. I have many friends and loved ones that practice one or the other philosophies, and they each have successes and failures as we all do. These are my own personal musing, so don't get mad at me please if you are offended in any way!! Maybe this is a good way to start getting more comments on our blog, start writing about controversial subjects. Next topic on The Washington Markworts: Birth control and whether it is a sin to take the control from God. How is that one for a hornet's nest! Don't worry I will refrain from that topic until further notice!)

Well, the reason I am broaching this subject is because I just read On Becoming Baby Wise by Ezzo and Bucknam. (ooh, I just heard a collective groan from many of you) I have two children and have done things very differently with each of them. I have read that your first two children are like a pendulum. You swing way one way with the first and then way the other with the second. By the third, you stop somewhere in the middle. I am having my third now, but feel like I don't want something in the middle, but maybe a whole different pendulum. This is only in regards to infancy as I am happy with our childrearing once they get a little older.

Maybe I should explain what we (I guess more I, since I am the night waker/nurser/ daytime caregiver) have done with Bennett and Rachel. Bennett was the firstborn and with that, I couldn't imagine putting him down or being away from him or letting him cry too much or harming his psychological future in any way. Don't laugh, it's true and you know you felt at least a little like that with your first child! The earth revolved around Bennett and we are still trying to alter that to this day! I demand fed (nursed whenever he seemed hungry, sad, out of sorts, etc.), rocked/bounced/ cajoled to sleep for naps, layed down with him and nursed him to sleep at night, and brought him to bed with me to nurse him as he awoke constantly during the night, sometimes every hour or two. I quickly learned why "they" say to sleep when your baby is sleeping. It was the only rest I got! At about 5 months of age, I had had enough. I needed to sleep and was beginning to get very angry at my little sleep intruder and didn't want to do it anymore. I was frusterated, sleep deprived and running on empty. I will let him cry it out I thought. Well, by 5 months old, he already had figured out that all he needed to do was scream and his needs would be met. After a couple of nights of listening to screaming for 3 hours, I was back to square one. I read a book that told me that my child was just high-needs and required more nighttime parenting than most children. My child should be sleeping, so that no one has to parent at night , I thought. Thankfully, on his own, Bennett began sleeping by himeself, through the night, at around 8 months old, with one early morning feeding around 5 am. He then would sleep til about 8 am.

Enter Rachel to the scene. She had a very fussy first week home due to some tummy distress, and I ended up sleeping with her on my chest so that I could jostle her back to sleep before she woke up. Once that issue came to an end, I knew that I had to try something different in regards to sleeping, and the earlier the better! I decided that after night feedings, I was just going to lay her in her crib and let her put herself back to sleep. No rocking, jostling, be-bobbing around in the middle of the night. (Don't awww poor baby, I didn't shoot a puppy or anything!) Protest she did, but only for 15-30 minutes. That was a far cry from 3+ hours. After a few days, she learned the new ropes and started putting herself to sleep for naps and nighttimes. She is more easy-going just naturally than Bennett, but I still think the fact that we started so early with her helped alot. She was sleeping 8-10 hours a night at a stretch by 3 months, and never woke up every hour to nurse.

Okay, where I differ from Babywise is that I still demand-fed Rachel ( I fed her when she showed signs of hunger regardless of how long it had been since her last feeding). For those of you that don't know, Babywise has a system called PDF. Parent Directed Feeding. Their philosophy is to get your baby on a 3-step program: feeding (starting every 3 hours and once they are sleeping 8-10 hours a night, stretch it to every 4 hours), awake time, and sleep. In that order. They say that most people go wrong because they flip-flop the last two. They say that this system alone will have 95% of babies sleeping through the night on their own at 10-12 weeks. I personally have never felt real comfortable with restricting food from my baby because of the clock. They do stress that you should feed your baby when they are hungry, not deprive the baby. The other area that I differ is that for awake time, they recommend crib-time, a bouncy chair, swing, play-pen or other apperatus to hold your baby. They are not baby-wearing advocates. I am not one that wears my baby all day long, but I don't know how I feel about my baby spending so much time in a play-pen either.

I have seen how scheduling a baby that has many other siblings works out very well. I have a friend with a large family, and she has to homeshcool the older ones during the day and can't stop every 5 seconds to figure out what's wrong with the baby. The baby knows the routine and is content because of that. She has the baby scheduled to the family's life and not the other way around. I do like that aspect and see how important it becomes when you have a wide age range and are trying to meet everyone's needs. I just don't think I am convinced with the feeding though. Rachel solely nursed until she was a year old. She ate pretty frequently during the day because she was growing and needed alot of sustinence. I think that I like Babywise with parent directed feedings based on the individual needs of the child. I don't want to be slave to a schedule. I want the schedule to work for me and the baby. I have not tried the awake time before sleep time either, so I am willing to give that a try because I already was putting Rachel to bed awake. She had just nursed first instead of having awake time. We'll see if it changes anything.

I am sure I will look back on all of this and laugh at my elementary parenting skills, but hey, I am still trying to figure it all out. Each new child is different and presents a new set of challenges and joys. I don't want to go back to the days of sleep-deprivation, but with a newborn, that is par for the course for a while. I do like knowing that I can direct the new baby into sleeping through the night much more easily if I start early. I am thankful that both of my children are now excellent sleepers and require no night-parenting in general. Thank you Lord!